Autumn has arrived.

I shall not sleep, for if i dream I will see you, I will feel you, I will smell you. In this dream, the hole in my heart will no longer exist. I will be complete, no longer feeling the pain of your absents. In this dream, my whole body will be awakened with happiness that will explode out of my fingertips. For once, my heart will be acting with love, not sadness, and my tears will be ones of joy and gladness. In this dream, I will hold you tight, for fear that you'll disappear if I loosen my grip. The alarms go off, the fallen leaves start to rustle across the wilting grass. I feel the chilled autumn air brush against my cheek sending a quiver through out my entire body. and suddenly you are pulled from my arms and carried away into the wind. I awaken suddenly, my window is open.. and on my bed lay one orange leaf that will forever represent my love for you, even after it has fallen and beginning to wilt, it's still full of beauty and just waiting for the wind to carry it on to its next journey.

I became sidetracked while writing. Due to the fact, that I heard the microwave go off as a sign of my brothers late night hunger. Im not sure what he was eating, but the smell wasn't pleasant. I decided I would open the window, that's when I heard the leaves ever so gently flowing across the grass and drive way. When suddenly a gust of wind sent a leaf and a chill through my window.

Me...

About a week ago my friend wanted me to tell him a hundred things about myself. I'm not the type of person that enjoys talking about myself, so i still haven't finished. I thought I would tell you a few, seeing I don't blog much.

1. I have a teeth obsession.

2. No matter what my teeth look like, i always think they are yellow.

3. I have 5 tooth brushes.

4. After i brush my teeth, i have to drink a glass of cold water.

5. I usually arrive late, unless someone else is taking me.

6. If i'm not listening to music while driving, i get paranoid.

7. I want to be an actress / photographer.

8. I would never endorse a product that i don't use.. not even for a hundred million dollars

9. Personality means way more to me then looks do.

10. I believe the world would be boring if there wasn't any hate, yet I wish there wasn't any.

11. A simple smell can trigger a memory, which will then start a waterfall of tears.

12. If i'm out with someone and they are in a bad mood, I dance really stupidly and sing really badly until they smile.

13. When I was younger, I enjoyed catching fireflies down by the lake at night & i'm longing to do it again.

14. I love thunderstorms.

15. Sometimes when it rains, I sleep in the car so I can fall asleep listening to the sound of the drops hitting the roof.

16. Finding shapes in the clouds is still a hobby of mine

17. I could sit for hours and listen to someone talk about their life.

18. I smile way to much.

19. I want to have at least three kids of my own and adopt at least two

20. I tend to push away the people that mean the most to me.

What is love?

Over the years, I have been asked numerous times "what is love?". I'm not sure if it's even the same for everyone. Every relationship is different, so is the love always the same? Anyways, enough about that. Here is my definition, well i guess it's more or less a description. To me, its the feeling you get when you're with the person. It feels as if a million butterflies found a new home within your stomach. You also can't help but to smile when you see their face. When you are in your lowest times, and feel as if you're lost and will never find your way back to reality. They come along, and miraculously pull you back and make you feel as if everything is going to be okay. Haha, and sometimes when you answer the phone, you are happy to be talking to the person on the other end. But at the same time there is a tiny ounce of sadness, because you were wishing it was them instead. Then, when you get into huge fights, to where you don't to speak to or even see them because you are so mad. At the end of the day, you still cannot picture your life without them in it. I think the best thing about love is, it's not selfish. Yes, the people in the relationship can be, but love it's self cannot. It's not for you, its for the other person. No matter how hard you try, you cannot make it happen. Even if you convince yourself it's real, you'll know deep down that it isn't. Then you fall out of love, and bad thing is, sometimes it can be one sided. It hurts to know that someone can feel all theses things for you, and there is nothing you can do about it. If you fake it, it's being selfish. Even though it feels like the right thing to do, it isn't. You could be stopping them from meeting someone that will feel the same things back. Also preventing yourself from finding a new love, that you can have all new experiences with.

Sorry I kind of rambled on, but I guess I will end this by saying.. Only you will know when you're truly in love.

December thirty first, two thousand seven, was the day my life changed. Let me take you back to the day before it all happened. My mother called my grandma, just to have a casual conversation. Then all of a sudden my grandpa asked to speak to me. This was very strange, he was the type of person that would not get on the phone unless someone asked for him. He wouldn't even call anyone unless it was an emergency. So I got on the phone, we talked for about twenty minutes then he said "Bye, I love you". On the thirty first my mother and I went out shopping and when we came home, my aunts car was in the driveway. This was unusual, but I thought nothing of it. I was unlocking the door as my mom reached my aunts car. Then I heard the words that would haunt me the rest of my life. "Pa's dead" she said with a shaky voice trying to calm her crying.

It was like a shock to my system, I immediately started crying hysterically. It felt as if my heart had shattered into a million pieces. I couldn't breath, I started to hyperventilate. It didn't make since, I just talked to him. I went in my room and that's were I stayed for the rest of the night. The crying stopped after a few hours, but I felt hollow inside. I felt as if I had lost my own life, as if it would never have meaning again. I had to lie to myself and say it was a dream, it was the only way I could hold myself together. I would tell myself "He's fine, when I go up north. He will be sitting there telling jokes like always". Two days later it was time to go to their house, it's a four hour drive and I was feeling fine. Then when there was about thirty minutes left of the ride, my heart started beating really fast and the crying started. It wouldn't stop, it was as if I convinced my head that it wasn't real, but my heart knew the truth. We pulled into the driveway and I couldn't even get out of the car, I just sat there crying. I didn't want to walk in and not see him there, I didn't want it to be real. Everyone was telling me to go inside, but I couldn't. My body wouldn't move, and my heart was aching. Then my aunt finally talked me into going in. I went inside, but I couldn't go into the living room, I couldn't face the chair he always used to sit in. I couldn't stand being in there without him. Then I thought of my grandma and how hard it must be for her, they never went anywhere with out the other. She was trying so hard to be strong, so I thought I should do the same. I tried as hard as I could to stop the crying. Then I walked in, I still couldn't look at the chair, if I did, I knew I would break down. Over the next two days it became a little easier to be in the house, but it still didn't feel right. Then it was time for the memorial service, as soon as I walked in, I saw him and the crying began. I made sure I didn't look at him, but then I saw the pictures, it was worse then actually seeing him. Thinking of all the memories is still really hard for me, sometimes I can't even look at photos without tearing up. I will cherish the fact that I actually had the chance to tell him goodbye and that I love him.